Of course I would begin this on the night that ABC’s Once Upon a Time premieres. Is it a work of art? Surely, it’s not. Nonetheless, I’m a girl who chooses to live somewhere between reality and fairytale, so, in my very biased opinion, it’s perfect. The white flowers, the wolf, Mr. Gold, a prisoner whistling while he works….they had me at the details. I wasn’t sure at first, but by the moment that clock struck, I was sold. And I want more. And I don’t want to delete it from my DVR. But every sleeping beauty needs to awake from her fairytale and move on to reality….
And by reality, I of course mean THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY.
Let me open by saying that I’ve never done this before. Like the people of the garden state, I found my life’s inspiration in one Teresa Guidice. Years of writing classes and a fancy degree mean nothing. I began writing because I was inspired by Teresa’s cookbook. Or was it a joke book? Either way, I watch that little moving picture box because Teresa’s image dances across it, and I then write funny things about it because, well, so does Teresa. I’m something of a Mexican Lucille Ball, so here we go.
First things first, thank you, Andy for the editing. Part 1 of the Reunion was far too brutal (I wrote that word before A.C. said it an hour later! I promise! We’re just THAT in sync. Or it was THAT brutal….), and we needed to open Part 2 on a lighter note. Yes, it made me nauseous, but at least it released the poisons. And then, less than 4 minutes in, once the all-too-brief merriment was over, the faces began. Teresa smiles, Caroline furrows the brow, and the eyes begin to roll. Based on the facial reactions of the non-speaker, I think we’re supposed to infer that everything the speaker says is a lie. Right, Teresa/Caroline? P.S. Teresa, is it really necessary to roll YOUR eyes just because we’re talking about KATHY’S eyes? She said she has big eyes. Are we to infer from your reaction that her statement is a lie? Pick your battles! And while we’re on the subject, I cannot say a harsh word about the Wakiles. Zero drama. Heart-warming. They clearly don’t belong on the show.
My favorite part of the evening was when Andy finally, FINALLY calls bullshit! Not only did Teresa find a way to make Victoria’s triumph over a life-threatening illness about her, but she managed to provoke the first time I’ve ever seen Andy Cohen do a “really?” moment without inserting edited footage and following it up with his patented smile when she claimed to not sweat the small stuff. Props to Andy. I’ve never seen him hold his own the way he did tonight. Pushing Teresa on her own behavior was necessary and overdue, and sprinkling in some gay rights activism was timely and appropriate (Hello! Know your audience!). He was perhaps the star of the show, which is hardly the way it should be, but I have no problem with it given the other options. And P.S. So glad he won that poll on WWHL. I’m not quite as worried about how he feels about his performance; I was just a little worried that I was crazy when people accused him of being too hard on Teresa. No such thing.
Clearly, Teresa regrets very little. Of her laundry list of offenses, she only regrets saying that Melissa fills Joe’s head with poison. Knowing what “poison” means, I certainly regret hearing it in the same sentence as “head.” Plus, anyone who watches the show knows that Melissa’s very role is to get that poison OUT from Joe’s head. Teresa, pay attention, puh-lease.
Insert funny moment about Kathy pulling Rosie’s hair. But here’s what: it happened at Teresa’s house. Obvi.
So, look, maybe I was just mesmerized into submission by the giant SJP Sex & the City flower on her dress, but it really didn’t bother me at all when Caroline started screaming. I may be alone here, but I tend to agree with Caroline most of the time. And I was genuinely touched by her tears in the end. But maybe that’s just because for once it wasn’t Ashley’s fault that a member of that family was crying.
Really, there isn’t much more to say about the evening’s events. Sure, there were a couple schoolyard rounds of “You are,” “No, you are,” and Teresa learned some new words. I’m sure I’m leaving something out, and if I were a good sister or mother or wife or blogger, I’d do a better job of making sure these moments aren’t left unattended. For now, go scratch.
Truth: Joe Guidice seems pretty tough, so I’ll just say, “Way to go, Joe.”
Another truth: During a moment of weakness, I wrote a song for my brother about waking up in the morning, putting on my makeup, and picking out something nice to wear. But Gia’s a kid, so we’ll leave that song unsung.
On Watch What Happens Live: this happens every time she’s on. I really don’t WANT to like Kelly Ripa, but I find I can’t help it. She’s a Kristin Chenoweth with a little less sugar and a stronger bite. I kind of like it. And I’ve never watched a soap opera, I’ve never seen Regis & Kelly, and even though I’m openly admitting this newfound respect for Kelly, I must say this: Mark killed it in improv. I’m also not really into Tramona. Sorry.
OK, new friends. There was a lot of TV on tonight, but that’s all I’ve gotten through so far. There will be more, but for now I’m going to drink some kool aid and select a red dress for tomorrow. Bring it, baby.
